Episode 44: How to deal with toxic coworkers

Below recap is based on my experience. Any reference to individuals has been anonymized.

The right decision when it comes to toxic coworkers is what you need to do to protect your peace. Sometimes it’s worth it to stick it out; sometimes, it’s time to find a new role.

You need to choose a point where staying in your situation is untenable. Be honest with your dealbreakers. Sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side.

How it started

I worked with a small team with one founding salesperson and the rest were technical teams. I was brought on to create a repeatable way to go-to-market - who we target, how we talk about ourselves, how we price, etc.

The salesperson had experience in the industry, and I was coming in fresh, so I thought we would complement each other well. Things turned sour when I rerouted the support chat to the actual support team (they were going to the salesperson and they would try to upsell instead of providing support). The salesperson felt I was trying to set them up for failure and our rapport fell apart.

1-1

What I did: If your relationship with someone is not going great, my first step is to chat 1-1. The best way to reset your relationship is to connect personally. Reiterate that you want the same outcomes, so you want to find a way to work together. So I reached out and suggested a 1-1 chat.

The Result: The conversation was very positive. We talked about why joined the company (our conviction in the space) and how excited we were to build something together with the team. I left feeling it was all good until I learned a few months later this salesperson was telling the new hires that I was not a trustworthy person to work with.

Looking back: I assumed the one conversation was enough, but in hindsight, I should have had another check-in.

The escalation

What I did: I tried to have another conversation with the salesperson, but it didn’t go well. First, they denied saying anything to anyone. I went back and reconfirmed with the new hires and then went back to her again. I told the salesperson they needed to stop talking about me and that we should go our separate ways / pretend each other didn’t exist.

The result: They finally admitted to what they had done and agreed to stop. It was a frustrating conversation, but I was glad it was over and we could finally move forward.

Looking back: I should have written down this exchange and informed my manager. I was trying to handle it myself, but I opened myself to finger-pointing later as I had no objective evidence other than my word.

Round 3

What I did: We operated like the other didn’t exist for about 6 months. I informed my manager of the situation, and they agreed to move forward as is.

The result: After 6 months, I heard that the shit-talking was happening again. They were complaining to the VP’s that I was unwilling to support them, not delivering on work I had committed to, and that I was not a good culture fit for the team.

I was pissed and, this time, decided to go to my VP and ask for advice on how best to handle it. The response was “you are welcome to go to HR, but you’ll need to operate on facts/what you can prove. I’m also happy to reach out to them/their boss, but it is better for your reputation if you solve this yourself. What do you want to do?”

I was angry at the response / felt alone, but I believed the VP was looking out for me, so I confronted this salesperson again. Instead of kindness (my intent going into previous conversations), this conversation was much more heated. I was angry and let them know that I won’t let them ruin my reputation / my work will speak for itself. The conversation went nowhere.

I told my manager I would never work with the salesperson again in any situation. If that does happen, I will quit.

Looking back: I should have waited until I calmed down after my escalation to the VP. All my responses (to the salesperson, my manager, etc) were emotional, not rational/logical. It only put additional pressure on my relationship with my manager.

The end

What I did: I started telling people I trusted what was happening with this person. People inevitably started taking sides in the organization, and the people I had a good rapport with decreased. It was known throughout the company that we did not have a good relationship; no matter what I did, this feud was my reputation.

The result: We had some restructuring in the company one day, and the salesperson was given a wider scope of work, to the point that they had authority over me. This was the exact dealbreaker scenario I described to my manager, so I informed them. My manager’s response was “I know this sucks, but you can still turn this around.” I put in my notice 3 weeks later.

Looking back: In one conversation, my entire relationship with my manager was ruined. My relationship with my VP was ruined. Despite all the hours I put in kicking ass at work, overdelivering on work product, my reputation was based on the deteriorating relationship I had with a key stakeholder. It only worked against me at the end of the day. I should’ve separated my frustration with my manager/VP to maintain those relationships instead of burning the bridge because I felt abandoned.

I turned to many mentors at that company and those who had left to handle the situation. I debated every day with my partner. My mental health suffered. My imposter syndrome was at an all-time high. I just wanted it to stop, so I decided I had no choice but to leave.

One piece of advice I was given on the way out “make sure you are running toward something new, rather than running away from something old".

The mindset of running toward something rather than away helped me be extremely picky about every company, manager, and role I’ve taken after that. It took some time, but my self-confidence recovered, and the lessons learned have helped me unlock a whole new height in my career.

While I wish I handled the situation differently, I also wish I had made a stronger commitment to walk away if it wasn’t improving. I stuck it out too long, and without my village and incredibly kind/helpful partner, I may not have bounced back.

If you’re in a situation like this, make a commitment to yourself of when to get out and no matter what, stick to it.

As always, feedback is a gift and I welcome any/all feedback on this episode. See ya next week 👋 !

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