Episode 33: How to negotiate in your relationship

Shoutout to my partner Kanwal Aziz, who came up with the idea for this episode.

I always hated the term work/life balance. Work/life blend appealed to me more. Blend because one never clearly stopped, and suddenly, the other started. They were always one entity where one fed the other. A good day at work often translated to a good day in life and vice versa. There was no magic formula of how much time to spend in each one. Both required investment and the amount of investment constantly fluctuates.

Negotiation is a constant in both my professional career and my personal one. For example, I use aspects of negotiation in my relationship every day. Simple decisions like what to watch on TV or what to eat involve negotiation - even if it’s low stakes.

Right now, I’m also wedding planning, which is much more high-stakes, but the principles of negotiation are the same. Here are 3 things I do in my relationship:

Say / do ratio aka say ‘no ‘ratio

In work I live by a ‘say/do’ ratio — how often do I do the things I said I was going to do when I said I was going to do them. That means always having the self awareness of how much I can take on and never taking on too much to the point where I start dropping the ball.

The same concept exists in my relationship. Did I say I would do the grocery shopping or take the dog for a walk or restock the pantry with a snack? My goal is always to have a very high say/do ratio but without defaulting to ‘no’.

My goal in a relationship is to show up for my partner and often that means being predictably dependable; said differently reminding them that they can rely on you to do what you say when you said you were going to do it.

If I am figuring out how to get to a ‘yes’ as often as possible, it makes it actually much easier to say ‘no’ later on. It also forces me to figure out when it’s a ‘no’ I can’t do it vs. ‘no’ I don’t feel like doing it.

You vs. me < > You and me vs. the problem

This is an interview technique I learned back from my consulting prep days.

The tldr is to reframe the conversation about the challenge your partner is facing and then talk about what is stopping them from solving it. Even if the challenge is your behavior, tone, actions, etc., when you focus on solving the challenge with your partner, you often get different results.

If you’re focused on the problem, you aren’t responding from a place of pride or getting defensive about why you did what you did. It’s solely about getting your partner what they need, and you are showing up as a second brain to solve the problem.

There a few steps to this:

1. Restate the problem in your words; helps both you and the other person make sure you understand the challenge

2. Talk about the ideal state and why it matters to them

3. Empathize with them

4. Ask what role they want you to play

A scenario where I use this often is my fast driving. My partner gets very anxious when I drive fast and starts backseat driving. I used to get offended/saw it as a lack of trust in me. Now I can reframe so I’m not getting defensive.

The difference in my response above is that I’m not focusing on my needs or feelings. It’s entirely about my partner’s problem and what role she wants me to play in solving it. Sometimes, the answer is just listening and validating is all it takes, and other times, it’s solving it. Either way, it’s me and her vs. the problem and not the other way around.

I statements < > you statements

One challenge (for me) is keeping the conversation's tone calm and collected. I learned from my therapist that refraining from making ‘you’ statements is a great way to help.

Example:

you statement: You make me angry

I statement: I am angry

While it may be true that the person on the other end made you angry, the person on the receiving end will immediately go into defense mode upon hearing that.

Instead of listening to whatever you are saying, their brain will immediately recap what situation you’re referencing and find a way to blame you instead. The chances of the rest of that conversation being productive are pretty slim.

Instead of casting blame as part of communicating, focus on the feeling itself—e.g., "I am angry." A natural next question for the person is "Why?" Now, the person on the receiving end is leaning in with a mindset of listening to understand rather than responding.

Similar to the reframe above of you vs. me, you must focus on the feeling and what led you to feel that way without blaming the other person. This doesn’t mean you can’t tell someone when they did something wrong, but rather do so in a way that focuses on how it affects you rather than on your interpretation of their motivation.

These are subtle tips but have been SO helpful in resolving conflict. I firmly believe great relationships are built not by avoiding conflict but by finding effective ways to resolve it without creating more conflict.

As always, feedback is a gift, and I welcome any/all feedback on this episode. See ya next week 👋.

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